Introduction
It’s been a couple of years, but we’re finally back to the film world resembling something like pre-Covid times. This is good news because the world outside of film continues to resemble a horror show. As I said back at the end of 2020, writing about new movies is my stress reliever and 2022 had plenty to be stressed about. Between 2020 and 2021, I saw a total of sixty-nine films, most of them in my home. Given all that happened those two years, a paltry sixty-nine films comprised mainly of subpar streaming flicks was nowhere near enough to combat stratospheric levels of stress. This year, I’ve seen nearly seventy films, many of them in theaters, and I feel better. On that note…
My Top 5, er..3, er..5
I told you things were getting back to normal. After reducing this category to the top three in the previous two years, I saw more than enough movies to expand it back to the normal five. This feels nice.
The Menu –
One of the few movies I saw a trailer for. I looked forward to seeing it for weeks. It met my expectations and then some. Ralph Fiennes delivers a creepy, yet earnest master chef who is intimidating and frightening a la Hannibal Lecter. The entire night depicted in the film was like watching a nightmare of your worst dinner date.
The Batman –
I had my doubts about Robert Pattinson donning the cowl, but he made me a believer. Considering how many reboots Batman has had, the quality of this one was pleasantly surprising and a reminder of how good the DCEU could have been.
The Northman –
One of the best movies of the year that most people probably missed. Alexander Skarsgard gives a career-best performance to bring this Viking myth tale to life. I get that the violence, gore, and general weirdness of the film make it a tougher-than-usual watch, but every component of the film is done nearly to perfection.
Bullet Train –
Hands down the most entertaining movie of the year. Like the first Guardians of the Galaxy (2014), Bullet Train embraced the idea of fun, hugging it until it exploded all over us. It isn’t the best movie of the year, but it was my favorite movie of the year.
Everything Everywhere All at Once –
This year’s winner for the best out-of-nowhere movie, as well as the best movie featuring a multiverse. As much as I enjoyed Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness, nothing in that film tickled me the way Rac-a-coonie did. Or hot dog fingers. The creativity, story, and spot-on performances made Everything Everywhere All at Once the best movie of the year.
You Almost Made It
If you named any of these next few movies as being in your top movies of the year list, I would just nod at you. The difference between these and my top five is very little.
The Banshees of Inisherin –
It was so unexpected to be grabbed by the first few minutes of a film whose premise is one man doesn’t want to be another man’s friend anymore. Like with The Lobster (2015), I loved Colin Farrell in this quirky movie and I submit that he should do at least one movie like this every year.
The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent –
I don’t know that this movie works with any actor not named Nicholas Cage. Given the premise, it’s also the kind of movie that has no room for error. I appreciate a movie that takes that kind of risk, even more, when that movie works.
Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery –
Nearly everyone I know was looking forward to this film after enjoying Knives Out. Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery is not a sequel; it’s just another great whodunit featuring our newest favorite detective, Benoit Blanc. Nearly everyone I know who saw the film enjoyed it.
Nope –
Jordan Peele is on a Spielbergian trajectory, delivering another very good film in Nope. It accomplishes everything we want in a film. A little humor, some action, good characters, great special effects, and a captivating story. If you had told me Nope was a new Spielberg flick, I wouldn’t have questioned you.
DC League of Super-Pets –
Another reminder of how good the DCEU could have been. DC League of Super-Pets has a very good case as the best-animated feature of the year. The characters are lovable, the superhero story is fun, and the kids will love every bit of it, even if the film cheats a little by giving a cat the power of butt missiles. Don’t ask, just giggle.
The Squirmers
These movies were very good, but every one of them is tough to watch for one reason or another. Rewatchability played a big factor in my rankings here. Parts of each of these would be really difficult to sit through more than once. So, they get a separate category so you don’t accidentally watch them on date night.
Emancipation –
Will Smith may have done some serious damage to his reputation by grossly overreacting to an abysmally tasteless joke, but that shouldn’t take away from his stirring performance in this Civil War flick. Based on a famous photo and real story, Emancipation does history justice and doesn’t pull its punches.
The Whale –
Far less disturbing than your typical Darren Aronofsky film, it’s still a tough watch. Not because of the fact that Brendan Fraser’s character is morbidly obese, but because we’re watching him eat himself to death while trying to reconcile with his estranged daughter. The emotional impact hits hard enough to be disturbing in itself.
Thirteen Lives –
I’m still in shock at the way those Thai boys were rescued from that flooded cave. Hats off to Ron Howard for recreating this event without making it seem trite or indulgent.
Surprisingly Decent
It is almost impossible to go into a movie without some sort of expectations. Usually, it’s from something you saw in a trailer, actors who are in the movie, or what you already know about the director. Other times, it’s because they are based on thirty-six-year-old movies your parents won’t shut up about.
Spirited –
Normally, I run in the opposite direction of Will Ferrell movies. Then again, I run directly at Ryan Reynolds movies. In the case of Spirited, I kind of side-stepped into it. Fortunately, Ferrell was decent and Reynolds was typical, rewarding my side-stepping. I could have done without the bad singing from everyone in this film, but I’ll take the win on a non-irritating Ferrell performance.
The Fabelmans –
This movie is another bit of evidence proving Tarantino wrong about superhero movies being the only films that get made. Spielberg got $40 million to make a movie about himself. What’s more, Spielberg made a movie about himself that is well worth watching. Even I had a skeptical eyebrow raised going into this one.
Top Gun: Maverick –
I’m glad to see a big, dumb blockbuster showing up on some top-ten movie lists for the year, but it shouldn’t be this one. While I enjoyed the heck out of it, it’s getting far more credit than it deserves solely because it isn’t the shitty sequel we all expected it to be.
Guillermo del Toro’s Pinocchio –
After the massive disappointment of last year’s Nightmare Alley, del Toro atones with a very del Toro Pinocchio. It’s creepy, imaginative, visually appealing, and a refreshingly new adaptation of a story that has been adapted nearly to death.
Babylon –
I’m still exhausted from watching the first hour of Babylon. What a ride. I considered it for my top ten, but the three-hour-and-change runtime had too much filler in it. However, the scene where they are filming their first talkie is arguably the best scene of any film all year.
Avatar
How many years late is the Avatar sequel? I joked about it years ago as we kept getting promised “this was the year,” like we were Knicks fans. Well, this finally was the year, at least for Avatar fans.
Avatar: The Way of Water –
It’s easily the best-looking movie of the year. The underwater scenes are gorgeous and the creatures in the sea look breathtakingly real. It’s almost enough to make us forgive James Cameron for writing another mediocre Avatar story. They resurrected the same villain, Colonel Quaritch, putting Quaritch’s downloaded brain scan into an Avatar, which is something they can do now. This renders the concept of an avatar and the entire technology behind avatars in the first film completely meaningless.
What’s worse is Quaritch and his resurrected team don’t attempt to use their new Na’vi bodies to blend in with the tribes despite literally pointing out that they could. Instead, they just throw on their fatigues and army kits and run around burning villages in a senseless revenge plot to kill Jake Sully. Speaking of Jake, he is equally as stupid. He’s been leading an armed resistance against the human colonizers but decides to take his family away from his tribe so that his tribe will be safe. That makes sense until we learn his plan is to relocate his family to live with a different tribe. At least my eyeballs were extremely pleased.
Movies for Me
Movies for Me are my guilty pleasures. Whether or not they’re objectively good doesn’t matter. All that matters is they did the thing I wanted them to do – entertain me.
Good Night Oppy –
I’ve seen better, more riveting documentaries, but I love space stuff, and hearing a bunch of nerds anthropomorphizes a robot made me smile.
Facing Nolan –
Facing Nolan is a baseball love story. It’s a good thing I love baseball. You’d better love it too because the only thing non-baseball fans will find more boring than watching baseball is watching a documentary about baseball.
Slumberland –
Jason Momoa channels his best Beetlejuice impression and it’s…okay. The rest of the movie is better than him, though it’s also just okay. Luckily, I like the idea of being able to traverse through dreams, which makes the movie better than okay for me.
Uncharted –
There’s always one that makes you question my sanity. Next.
The Adam Project –
Okay, there are always two.
Werewolf by Night –
At an extremely brisk fifty-three minutes and in black and white, Werewolf by Night is a throwback to the early days of horror movies. The short runtime means it has nearly zero character development and little time for exposition but is still quite a bit of fun to watch. This being Marvel, there are probably more coming because of course there will be.
Meh…(or Movies Not for Me)
Flip a coin on these films. These movies were okay and also were movies. None of them spoke to me in any way, but maybe they spoke to you.
Turning Red –
More than a few people praised this movie for talking about puberty in girls. I don’t think it did a good job; in fact, it seemed to be exacerbating stigmas rather than normalizing them. Then again, I’m a dude, so you can probably ignore me.
Crimes of the Future –
I can’t say I’ve ever seen a previous David Cronenberg film and Crimes of the Future doesn’t inspire me to do so. There’s a cool story buried somewhere under the body horror, but if Cronenberg wasn’t interested in exploring it, why should we be interested in this film?
Lyle, Lyle, Crocodile –
If ever there was a benign movie going out of its way not to offend anyone, it’s this one. This film is definitely intended to act as a babysitter for kids, throwing in enough poop and fart jokes to keep kids amused while their parents do anything else.
Devotion –
It’s worth watching to learn about Ensign Jesse Brown, the first Black naval aviator, as well as for a couple of solid flying scenes. Unfortunately, the movie fails to evoke much of an emotional response until the climax. It pulls its punches when depicting the overt racism Brown experienced while simultaneously making the very white Lt. Tom Hudner the main character. When that climax happens, we react to it more out of muscle memory than because we care about the characters. What could be more meh than that?
The Woman King –
This movie lands somewhere between a documentary and a historical drama. It has exciting parts that turn out kind of boring and non-exciting parts that turn out kind of intriguing. This movie doesn’t know what it is and neither do we.
We’re Really Only in it for the Money
Nothing provides studios more inspiration than easy money. Nothing provides studios more fear than expiring IP rights. That’s how we continually get an annual plethora of lackluster uninspired sequels, remakes, and franchise entries.
Sonic the Hedgehog 2 –
Unlike the first Sonic, my son wasn’t excited about the sequel, so I ended up watching the sequel while trapped on an airplane. The sequel was just as mediocre as its predecessor, yet managed to pull in $100 million more at the box office. I wonder where I’ll end up watching the inevitable third Sonic?
Scream –
I recently saw announcements for Scream VI and I’m annoyed. The studios were adamant that we not refer to the most recent Scream as Scream V, even though the knife in the M in the title looks like a V. For Scream VI, they stylized the M with a VI. With that, I can update my review of Scream not-five to say that Scream V was a soulless money grab that wasn’t even honest enough to admit it really was just another sequel.
Lightyear –
In what should have been a tee ball, Lightyear ended up landing in the bottom tier of Pixar movies, both by quality and box office. There are plenty of plausible reasons, but I lean toward Lightyear falling into the same trap as Star Wars – Disney, i.e. leaning way too hard on an existing
character that nobody wants to know more about.
Minions: The Rise of Gru –
Despite the Despicable Me franchise running out of ideas two movies ago, people still dropped nearly $1 billion on this creative bankruptcy. It’s that kind of thing that makes my eyes roll into my skull when people whine about gas prices.
Prey –
This is a perfect example of a franchise that keeps getting new movies in order for the studio to maintain the licensing. Prey was one of the worst movies I saw all year and an insult to the Predator species.
Pinocchio –
The Pinocchio story has been public domain since 1940, so licensing wasn’t behind this remake. This was just Disney continuing to turn its beloved animated features into soul-sucking, live-action remakes. In unrelated news, Disney fired its CEO, Bob Chapek.
We Decided We Weren’t Just in it for the Money
These movies are no less than money grabs than they are films you just read about. But they actually tried to provide some solid entertainment for your money. This might be the weakest crop of this type of movie in years, but they were all much better than everything in the previous category.
Black Panther: Wakanda Forever –
This film did a great job of paying respects to the late Chadwick Boseman while delivering a good story and some tantalizing hints at the next phase of Marvel movies/shows. The one common complaint seemed to be that the lighting made the underwater scenes difficult to see, but I didn’t see what they are talking about. See what I did there? Twice!
Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness –
Easily the best movie in this category and one that I strongly considered for my top ten. For all the whining about Marvel movies being very formulaic, this film is a great example of Marvel trying new things. Sam Raimi is given a lot of freedom to make his kind of movie, adding the closest thing to a horror movie in the MCU.
Death on the Nile –
Benoit Blanc isn’t the only detective getting more movies. Detective Hercule Poirot stars in another remake of an Agatha Christie story. While not as good as Murder on the Orient Express (1974), Death on the Nile is a very competent remake for a generation that has no idea who Agatha Christie or Mia Farrow is.
Puss in Boots: The Last Wish –
The last Puss in Boots film was eleven years ago, so it was surprising to hear that a sequel was coming out. Equally surprising was that the sequel turned out to be quite good. I especially liked the animation style, which reminded me of Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse. It looked like it had brush strokes, making it feel that much more like a storybook instead of a cartoon.
Thor: Love and Thunder –
One of the best things about Marvel is they never forget that they are derived from comic books and are supposed to be fun. That being said, Taiki Waititi has taken the silliness a bit too far, culminating in an absurd climax best forgotten. If not for Christian Bale turning in a fantastic villain and Natalie Portman carrying a lot of the film, we would have been talking about Thor: Love and Thunder in the same breath as Eternals (2021).
The Letdowns
The second category is where expectations are key. Lazy screenplays and disappointing films will always exist.
The Gray Man –
On paper, this looked like a can’t-miss movie. Chris Evans, Ana de Armas, and Ryan Gosling in a spy thriller directed by the Russo brothers. What’s not to get excited about? Turns out, the entire movie. There are moments when you can see a good film peeking out, but it mostly ends up being a far lesser version of a Jason Bourne flick.
Barbarian –
Barbarian became a letdown after the second half of the movie started. The first half is one of the better tension builders I’ve seen this year. Then, the second half stomps all over that tension by making it impossible for us to suspend our disbelief.
Don’t Worry Darling –
Like Barbarian, Don’t Worry Darling let us down after building an intriguing mystery. It also managed to waste Chris Pine and Gemma Chan while confusing Harry Styles for an actor. If not for Florence Pugh delivering an Oscar-worthy performance, this movie would be much lower on this list.
Beast –
In addition to wasting Idris Elba, the film also includes three major movie tropes that refuse to die. All I really wanted from the movie was to see some Idris v lion and the lion shred some people to ribbons and the movie couldn’t even give us that.
White Noise –
Every year, I get a screener with jacket claims of “uproariously funny” “darkly hilarious” or “comic genius.” One quote on the jacket calls White Noise “delightfully funny.” After watching these movies, my question in response is always “funny when?”
Strange World –
Hands down the most disappointing movie of the year. I was looking forward to exploring a fantastical world filled with amazing creatures. Instead, the creatures ended up as mostly background noise, pushed aside in favor of an inane family spat, a story that raised far more questions than answers, and the inclusion of one of my pet peeves – an angsty teenager with a shitty attitude.
A Waste of Time
At least ‘The Letdowns’ contained some entertainment value. These next films were all very boring, not the least bit entertaining, and lacked any plot beyond the initial premise. They are the very definition of “two hours of your life you will never get back.”
Emily the Criminal –
Not only was the movie a complete waste of ninety minutes, but it then caused me to waste a couple of hours trying to write a review containing anything worth saying. I failed, just like in this movie.
Aftersun –
There were two movies I quit after watching the first forty-five minutes. This was one of them. My own home movies are boring enough to watch, let alone somebody else’s.
Triangle of Sadness –
The other movie I quit watching at the forty-five-minute mark. The beauty of watching home screeners is that I can quit boring, lifeless movies without feeling like I’m obliged to finish them, unlike when I take the time to go to an actual theater. Yes, I know I can also leave the theater whenever I like.
The Bad Guys –
Turns out the bad guys are trying to reform themselves, which makes them the not-so-bad guys. Like every movie attempting to portray villains as good guys, The Bad Guys falls flat on its face and reminds us that naps are a better use of time than some movies.
Armageddon Time –
I get how Spielberg was able to convince a studio to fund his narcissistic ego trip. He’s made a ton of great movies that made a ton of money. But, how the hell did James Gray convince a studio to let him do the same thing? He made The Lost City of Z (2016) and Ad Astra (2019). It’s no surprise that Armageddon Time is as banal as those two duds.
Pearl –
A horror movie that doesn’t frighten you. A slasher flick where the murders take place almost entirely off-screen. A thriller that doesn’t thrill. A bad movie that isn’t bad in a way that is interesting or fun. I rest my case.
Not the Worst, But You Sure Tried Hard
The challenge with this category is convincing you of the one redeeming quality for each of these films that kept them out of the cellar. Good luck to me, right?
The Lost City –
Sandra Bullock seemed bored, Daniel Radcliffe seemed overeager, and Channing Tatum seemed misused in a story that seemed less coherent than your typical romance novel. It’s redeeming quality – Brad Pitt was hilarious.
Wendell & Wild –
Even though Jordan Peele didn’t direct, he is co-responsible for penning the worst animated feature of the year (with an assist from director/writer Henry Selick). Given Peele’s other movies, I expected so much more than this dreck. Its redeeming quality – the animation style was very pretty.
Troll –
The Netflix teaser was interesting enough to convince me to give it a chance. Hopefully, I don’t get any calls from “Windows tech support,” because I might be dumb enough to listen to them as well. Its redeeming quality – the special effects of the troll were excellent.
Violent Night –
Argue all you want, but watching David Harbour as Santa Die Hard his way through a bunch of bad guys is not enough to paper over this trash bag of a movie. There isn’t enough Christmas wrapping paper in the world for that. It’s redeeming quality – watching David Harbour Santa Die Hard his way through the film.
Ambulance –
Filed under the heading “It’s Michael Bay, what did you expect?” Honestly, I expected exactly what I got. Speed in an ambulance, but not endearing or fun. Redeeming quality – the unintentional comedy of an EMT clamping a burst spleen with a hair clip. Oh Michael Bay, we can’t stay mad at you.
Pooping on the Silver Screen
And now, the moment you’ve been waiting for – the five worst movies of the year. As with my top five, I saw plenty of terrible films to expand this category back to five. This feels nice.
Bodies Bodies Bodies –
Definitely the winner for the most overrated movie of the year. The last thing I want to watch is a bunch of assholes screaming at each other for ninety minutes. That’s not even fun in a train wreck kind of way.
Studio 666 –
Even for a B-movie, it fails on every level, even the levels that turn garbage movies into cult classics. Coincidentally, Taylor Hawkins (the drummer for the Foo Fighters) died just a couple of weeks after its release. There’s a joke there, but unlike Chris Rock, I know not to tell it.
Moonfall –
This is how a director’s (Roland Emmerich) career ends. Not with a bang, but with the moon being a Dyson Sphere and crashing into the Earth. It was nice knowing you, Roland. We’ll always have Independence Day (1996).
Deep Water –
Remember the scene in Caddyshack where Bill Murray fishes the candy bar out of the pool and takes a bite out of it? That’s Deep Water, but if it wasn’t a candy bar.
Blacklight –
And we have a winner! Liam Neeson returns to star in shitty February action flicks that cause people to question their life choices. This feels nice.
Pooping on the Silver Screen: The Sequel
This is the bonus category for movies that were made as sheer money grabs, but were also terrible movies in general. They are the shitty sequels, prequels, remakes, and franchise entries that keep getting made because you won’t stop watching them.
Morbius –
I attempted to watch Morbius on a flight and fell asleep in the middle. Stupidly, I decided to give it the benefit of the doubt and attempted a second viewing on the flight home. This time, my brain refused to let me sleep as punishment for not listening to it the first time. It was the first time I ever wished for screaming babies on an airplane.
Jurassic World Dominion –
Prehistoric, genetically modified locusts? Really?! You promised us dinosaurs running amok in cities and you give us fat locusts made by discount Steve Jobs?!
Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets of Dumbledore –
Even Potter nerds have had enough of Dumbledore and J.K. Rowling rehashing the same plot over and over and over. I never thought a movie about wizards could be so boring, let alone an entire franchise, but Rowling continues to prove that if you put your mind to it, you can make anything unwatchable.
Black Adam –
I said it once and I’ll say it again…blender filled with rocks and knives.
Whew, still with me? Man, that feels good…just like old times. Thank you for powering through it with me. As we roll into 2023, there are a lot of movies to look forward to, sincerely or sarcastically. Thanks for reading and Happy New Year!
Editor’s Note: This is an abbreviated version of the full piece, which can be found at: http://number9moviereviews.
