PREDATOR: BADLANDS Review – Kissy Face

Introduction

There are a few words we would never associate with the Predator franchise. Buddy comedy. Heartfelt. Family-friendly. But that’s exactly what we get in the latest Predator movie – Predator: Badlands. Surprisingly, it’s not as bad as you think. Like most of the franchise, Predator: Badlands is a standalone film featuring all-new characters. However, it also brings back numerous elements from previous films to ensure fans are well-served.

That includes more crossover with the Alien franchise, this time with a focus on the Weyland-Yutani corporation (and no xenomorphs). As usual, the corporation is trying to get its hands on a bioweapon, this time in the form of a huge, literally unkillable creature called a Kalisk. The Kalisk live on a planet called Gemma that is filled with a myriad of other deadly creatures.

Synopsis

This time, the Weyland-Yutani crew is comprised entirely of synthetic beings. That includes their leader, Tessa (Elle Fanning). This is so that when they die horrible deaths, the movie gets to maintain its PG-13 rating. Also hunting the Kalisk is a predator (Yuatja, as the species is called in this film) named Dek (Dimitrius Schuster-Koloamatangi). Yes, they have names now, and it definitely makes them less scary.

Dek arrived on Gemma after watching his father kill his brother Kwei (Mike Homik), because Kwei didn’t want his father to kill Dek, because Dek is somewhat small for a Yautja. Dek wants to bag the Kalisk to prove to his father that he is strong, but Dek also wants to avenge Kwei’s death. If you didn’t follow that, good. It’s stupid.

Think about it. Why would a culture revolving around proving worthiness through hunting deem it necessary to kill undersized members of their society before giving them a chance to actually hunt something? And in a society with cloaking technology, faster-than-light travel, and energy weapons – why does dick size, I mean, physical size, matter? If all this sounds a little Klingon-esque, wait until you see the Predators’ hairstyle and bat’leth-esque sword.

Analysis

Once you’re done thinking about it, enjoy the real reason for watching a Predator movie. Lots and lots of action. If this film got one thing right, it’s in the creation of formidable foes for the galaxy’s most feared hunter. Say goodbye to predators punching down to fight grizzly bears, evil doctors, 18th-century Comanche, and Danny Glover. Say hello to Dek, trying to survive fields of motion-sensing pods that explode out paralyzing thorns while dragons fling boulders into the fields.

Watch as hordes of massive sentient vines steal Dek’s weapons and try to dismember him. Enjoy giant, tentacled monsters that live in the trees and try to eat Dek. And relish Dek befriending the torso of a synthetic being and an adorable, young, little Kalisk. Wait, what? The predator has travelling companions?! Gross.

Companion number one is the head and torso of the synthetic Thia (also Elle Fanning), and she’s delightful. She smiles, quips, navigates, and occasionally rips the heads off of dragons. In all seriousness, Thia steals the show. Fanning understood her assignment. Companion number two is dubbed Bud (by Thia). Despite knowing what a Kalisk looks like, Thia doesn’t recognize Bud as a Kalisk (remember, Thia is essentially a talking computer whose mission on the planet was to capture a Kalisk). Bud is adorable.

Bud has got big puppy dog eyes, and occasionally rips the tentacles off of tree monsters. He also literally swaps spit with Dek. I’m not kidding. They actually spit on each other to mark the other as part of their clan. I promise you that this is a Predator movie, not a Marvel movie (though, both are owned by Disney, so…). If you think this movie has taken the franchise to a goofy level, it gets sillier with cartoonish elements abound.

Further Discussion

Thia’s detached legs are apparently sentient (they are pivotal in the climax). Dek uses an acid-spitting eel as his replacement shoulder blaster in the climax. Dek runs through a field of those exploding, poisoned-thorn plants, yet only gets hit by a single thorn. In one scene, Thia springs (still legless) from far offscreen to save Dek from being eaten by a dragon (and she kills the dragon), yet can barely drag herself across the ground for the rest of the film.

Despite watching Tessa’s lightning-fast reflexes early in the film, she fights Dek in the climax using a slow-moving, Hulkbuster-sized cargo loader (a very unsubtle homage to Aliens). Disappointingly, many of the things that make the predator cool are no longer present.

Cloaking device? Gone. Bracer with retractable blades? Gone. Shoulder-mounted blaster? Gone. The cool mask that lets predators see multiple spectrums of light? Gone. But now he has a big glowy sword, so it’s all good. I promise you this is a Predator movie, not a Star Wars movie (though, both are owned by Disney, so…).

Conclusion

The best way to describe Predator: Badlands is what my friend said, “it didn’t feel like a Predator movie.” Exactly. As much as I appreciate the action, creature effects, and Fanning owning this film, being asked to accept the predator as a kind-hearted, family-oriented Softie just felt wrong. However, it does explain why a tiny Comanche girl with a rope and a hatchet, not to mention Danny Glover, was able to defeat their predators.

Rating: Ask for at least half of your money back, depending on how you feel about a mostly neutered predator.

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