THE BEEKEEPER Review: Call Of Duty

Introduction

The thing I love about January action movies is recognizing how little care is put into them. That isn’t me being mean. Imagine a writer is pitching an action movie. And they non-sarcastically say the word Beekeeper. After doing a spit take, the studio executive is going to immediately think two things. One – January. Two – Liam Neeson, Gerard Butler, or Jason Statham. Meanwhile, the studio executive is also going to notice laughter. But it’ll take about thirty seconds for them to realize they are the ones laughing.

Synopsis

In The Beekeeper, Adam Clay (Statham) is a retired assassin, working as a beekeeper and renting a garage from retired schoolteacher Eloise Parker (Phylicia Rashad). While working on her finances one day, Eloise’s computer pops up a window saying her computer is infected and needs to update her anti-virus software. Unfortunately, Eloise is a cliched old lady. So, of course, she doesn’t recognize this obvious scam. She calls the phone number on the screen and minutes later a bank account she manages for a charity is relieved of over $2 million. Later that night, Adam comes up to the house to give her a jar of honey and finds Eloise has committed suicide.

Analysis

While, I can accept Eloise not pausing the phone call to consult with Adam (she wants to, glancing at him through the window multiple times). I cannot, however, accept Eloise putting a bullet in her head mere hours later without telling Adam what happened. Eloise’s decision becomes even more nonsensical when we learn her daughter Verona (Emmy Raver-Lampman) is an FBI agent who investigates cybercrimes. But this is a January movie, so we’re going with whatever was the first draft.

On that topic, the first draft of The Beekeeper from the screenwriter only includes one sentence after Eloise’s death – “Combine John Wick, Enemy of the State, and 24.” Adam is going to avenge Eloise’s death by taking down the cybercrime operation and killing anyone who stands between him and its boss. John Wick – check. The criminals use top-secret government spy software to infect people’s computers, given to them by a former high-level official. Enemy of the State – check. Involve the President of the United States (Jemma Redgrave) and make her good or bad (pick one, it doesn’t matter). 24 – check.

One way you can tell how bad is the writing is by the number of times the word “beekeeper” is spoken and how often they reference bees. At multiple points, Agent Parker will, literally, read from a beekeeping manual. Even her partner, Agent Wiley (Bobby Naderi), will snap at her, but I’m not convinced he’s only tired of the bee talk. Raver Lampman’s dialogue throughout the film is different flavors of garbage and Naderi delivers every one of his lines dripping with sarcasm that is clearly in partial protest for having to hear that garbage. I laughed every time he spoke because I saw what he was doing.

Further Discussion

Speaking of garbage, the rest of the characters seemed to have been pulled from a landfill. There are two assassins that Adam must deal with that are like mini-bosses in a video game. They are not developed beyond their appearance and one of them doesn’t even get any lines unless screaming counts as dialogue. And in this film, it kind of does.

Then, there is former CIA director Wallace Westwyld (Jeremy Irons), whose name I did not makeup. He runs President Danforth’s business and is also tasked with keeping her idiot son Derek (Josh Hutcherson) out of jail. Irons is just going through the motions, except when he decides to chew up scenery explaining the Beekeeper program (an off-the-books, clandestine assassin program charged with protecting the country at all costs) to a bunch of mercenaries, including that they will probably all die.

On the flip side, Hutcherson is chewing up every scene he gets, knowing full well his character is little more than a line of cocaine. Finally, there is President Danforth, a spectacularly poorly-written character. She is talked about by other characters as being just short of a supervillain and is definitely corrupt, yet the climax would have you believe otherwise. The climax itself is one giant face-plant, the President reacting to things as if she has just awakened from a coma. I’ll admit that I was entertained at points during the movie (all the action scenes), but the climax was like getting a pie to the face. And not a good-tasting pie.

Conclusion

But I didn’t hate The Beekeeper. On the contrary, it was exactly what I expected from a Statham-led action flick opening on January 12. I wasn’t expecting competent writing, layered performances, or exceptional special effects. However, I was expecting a dumb movie, mumbling something resembling sentences in between Statham effortlessly defeating scores of opponents. I also would have liked for them to lay off the bee metaphors. But then again, video games tend to do that.

Rating: Even for a January movie, you should ask for sixteen dollars back.

Directed by David Ayer and starring Jason Statham, The Beekeeper was theatrically released by Metro-Goldwyn Mayer on January 12, 2024. It should be able to be streamed on Amazon Prime sometime in February 2024.

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